I get through life by the skin of my teeth. I’m always in trouble of one sort or another, not of course intentionally, but either because of my thoughtlessness or by circumstances beyond my control, I seem to have to dig myself out of deep holes quite frequently. My Dad once said, after I’d returned home after some job calamity, that I was a survivor, and he said that with some emphasis as though he had learned in his life that being a survivor was what really mattered, and he possibly believed that this trait he had passed on to me in his genes.
Certainly, when I look back I can see many times when things had gone wrong, or relationships badly damaged, but I have a capacity to override the setbacks and get on with my life thereafter as best as I can. Although I’ve been depressed, and a few times somewhat mentally unbalanced, I’ve never really felt too pessimistic or suicidal (only once in my life did I feel suicidal, for good reason, but I was persuaded by my doctor to look at the wider world, to think how my children and family would feel and to consider that I might still have something useful to contribute to life) and I have an ability to see good things in the future. That’s because I’ve had so many different interests, I’ve flitted about from one thing to another, traveled and made friends wherever I’ve been, and have never totally given up on life or the interesting things one can discover every single day.
Through my setbacks, I’ve learned to live with myself and I’m probably better company on my own than with others, I’m very happy when I am only responsible for myself and have the freedom to do exactly what I wish. But I cannot have this freedom while I am married, (in fact, I only had it for a few short years between marriages), I have to compromise and I do realize that I cannot have complete freedom AND a family and family life.
A friend recently said to me, after I mentioned a family problem, that “It is better to be happy than be right”. I know what they meant and it was meant kindly and in the light of their own experience, but I was taken aback by this for a moment and thought “I have not lived my life like this”. I dont think it has to be that choice. Of course, I would like to be BOTH happy AND know I was right, however, if knowing I am right in principle comes at the expense of my own happiness, as it always seems to do in my case, I have to settle for that. I was brought up and taught to know what is right and wrong, and I have lived my life with the principles I was taught – being right in my own mind, by my own standards and values, and I am happy with that. I cannot live a lie, I MUST be ME and be able to be me…
Family life brings many stressful times but also great happiness, greater happiness (but a different sort of happiness) than I can achieve on my own. But even so, despite my very best efforts to work hard and responsibly, I always seem to get by the skin of my teeth.
Very nice poem. Loved it.